


Let the Games Begin!

by SonjaJade



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Bets & Wagers, Farting, Games, Gen, Office Party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 03:19:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10453767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonjaJade/pseuds/SonjaJade
Summary: The boys decide to play an unorthodox game where the last one standing is actually the loser, and Riza would scold them for wasting so much time, but she can’t stop laughing to do it!





	

It would have been a typical Friday morning if not for the smorgasbord of food set up when Lt. Hawkeye walked into the office.  There were steaming piles of fat, greasy sausages, golden rolls to cradle them in, jars of mustard and ketchup and onions and sauerkraut to top them, a basket full of crispy fried onion rings and a stack of paper plates and napkins at the beginning of the spread.  At the foot of the table was a bucket with six frosty bottles of beer sitting in ice, and though she was afraid of the answer, Riza’s curiosity cried out to be satisfied.

“I’m not sure I want to know, but what’s the occasion?” she asked, eyes closed in annoyance and having a gut feeling that either the Colonel or Havoc had planned the whole thing.

“We’re playing a game,” Braeda grinned.  “You’re gonna play, right?”

When she quirked an eyebrow in confusion, Havoc filled her in on the details as he loaded his plate with three huge sausages and a handful of onion rings.  “See, we’ll eat all this garbage for breakfast, and then by lunchtime we’ll be able to begin playing. And the loser has to pay the tab tonight at the tavern.”

Riza wrinkled her nose at the strong smell from the sauerkraut.  “And what in the world kind of game requires you to eat such junk?”

“Last Man Standing,” Fuery replied with a grin as he chose his links carefully.  “I guess you never played it as a kid, it’s mostly a boy’s game.”

No, she never played it, but she knew what it was: a farting game, one where the last person still farting was declared the loser.  And most embarrassing of all was every broken wind and passed gas was to be claimed loudly and proudly.  “I hope you don’t expect me to join you in such a juvenile waste of time,” she answered as she looked toward Mustang, his eyes playful and full of mischief.

“It won’t offend me either way, Lieutenant.  While I’d love to see where you end up in our challenge, I won’t order you to participate.”

The boys begged and pleaded for her to join them; that even if she was the loser, the runner up would cover their weekly tab.  When she protested that it wouldn’t be very professional to do so, they blew her excuse off as lame since they’d all be participating.  When she complained that it wouldn’t be very ladylike of her to participate, they cried that they were as close as siblings and siblings farted on each other all the time.  Mustang suggested that it wouldn’t be fair for her to sit amongst a room full of gassy men without at least being able to retaliate…  This got her attention and swayed her decision.

“Fine, but I’m only doing this because I can't fire my _gun_ at all of you for this stupid idea.”  Braeda passed her a loaded plate while Falman cracked a beer open for her.  “I don’t think it’s wise to start drinking before at least noon,” she grumbled.

“Think of it as an extra clip,” Havoc said around a mouthful of beef, mustard, bread and sauerkraut.

Sighing, and knowing full well she was going to regret this, she took a big swallow of the chilled beverage.

* * *

Everyone finished their “breakfast” around quarter after eight.  Right around eleven o’clock Falman stood and saluted the room, then bellowed, “Let the games begin!”  As he stood looking proud and perfect in his uniform, his body stiffened and the first loud _pffffftttt!_ rang through the office.

Riza felt her eyes widen, and then she had to bite her cheeks to keep herself from laughing.  The boys gave a congratulatory shout of appreciation before returning their noses to the grindstone, and Hawkeye was temporarily puzzled.  How could they not find that atrociously hilarious?  She chalked it up to boys being boys, and boys being used to such shenanigans, and eventually went back to work herself.

It wasn’t long before the next contestant stood- Mustang himself.  With no fanfare, his pen still moving, he blew out a loud cracking noise and said, “Must’ve been gunpowder in that one.”

Again, Riza bit her mouth to keep her composure.  She’d been very close to Roy for half their lives, had eaten with him, cleaned house with him, studied with him, even slept with him (twice, with a promise for marriage and many more hot nights after he became Führer).  She’d killed alongside him: murdered innocent people and defended their nation against monsters underground…  But never in their entire relationship had Riza ever heard the man break wind.  Of course, she knew he must- everyone does- but to actually hear him do it, and act as if it were no big deal…

Then her guts rumbled low in her belly and she felt her face burning.  She could feel the pressure of the air moving ever lower.  She could feel the need to bear down and just let it out…  But to do that in front of her coworkers and friends, something that was so taboo- she was going to die of embarrassment.

But slowly she stood up.  She could feel their eyes on her, sense their excitement (‘Guys are so weird!’ she thought to herself) and she hung her head so her bangs would hide her blazing face.

For a few moments, no one breathed.  Only the sound of the typewriter the secretary in the office two doors down used could be heard.  Then, a quiet squeaky sound floated meekly on the air, and Riza said in an equally quiet voice, “Excuse me.”

She sat down quickly, picked up her pen and tried her best to ignore the standing ovation she was currently receiving.  The second one was much easier, and the third and the fourth and so on.  And as the day dragged on, her chuckles became fewer and fewer, and at last, the day was nearly through, and a loser had been declared.

Havoc had been keeping score on a steno pad and according to his count, Braeda farted the least (“Probably because you live on this kind of crap!  Your body’s so used to it that it’s adapted now!” Fuery laughed) and Falman farted the most.  He rolled his eyes and accused Havoc of choosing foods that would purposely make him gassy (“You know onions get me every time!”).  Nevertheless, he agreed to cover the tab and they all headed out to their favorite pub.

Once there, Falman ordered a pitcher of beer, a bottle of scotch and a single glass of red wine.  He stood and presented the glass to Riza, saying, “It must be difficult being the only spark of sanity among deranged men.  Thank you for playing with us today.”

She accepted his gift, took a deep drink, then began to chortle.  She wanted to stop, _tried_ to stop, but she’d remember the way Falman stood and opened the games as if he were greeting the Prince of Aerugo himself, and the gleeful chuckles turned into full on laughter.

The others tried to get out of her what was so funny, but she couldn’t answer them.  She caught Mustang’s easy smile (likely very pleased that she was letting go a little and finally having some fun for a change) and she found the strength to get herself under control for a moment.  Riza stood and wiped tears from her eyes, and finally answered their cries for an explanation for her laughter.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been wanting to laugh all day.  I just had to get it out of my system.  And though most of the time you guys are immature, lackadaisical and a little too mischievous in the office, I have to admit, today was a great day.”  She smiled at all of them.  “But please, let’s not play that game ever again, I don’t think the insides of my cheeks could stand me biting on them like that again!”

Many rounds of drinks later and they decided to go home.  And when Roy got Riza to her lonely apartment, he spent a few moments soothing the damaged skin of mouth with his own.  She invited him in and amid comments of how beautiful she was when she laughed and how much he loved her, he made love to her and promised her again he’d marry her someday soon.


End file.
